Banner weeks don’t happen often to me. In fact, I thought they were mythical creations… much like authentically virginal pop princesses and ice cream that is both low-calorie AND delicious. Last weekend proved me wrong and (possibly) in need of better similes.
But the week following finds me trying to decide which of my ten million half-cocked ideas I should tackle next. I have a bad habit of collecting more projects than virulent ferrets… and if you know me, you’ll know that’s a LOT. I shouldn’t admit that I lack discipline and direction, but I do. So I scoured my zip drive of joy and played ‘Eenie meenie minie mo’ with the files. Big mistake. I landed on a jpeg of Loki. I might have cheated and peeked. D’oh!
Wanna sample of what’s on the front burners now? Are you sure…?
My story, ‘Beelzebacon!’, for the Baconology submission call is at the front of the line. It’s a bit spoofy, with lots of really bad jokes and heavy doses of pork by-products. I’m enjoying it a little too much. I’ve even considered making it my net TOT. Would you like to learn the history of the Baconistas? I would, too. I should probably write that part first.
Kali said hello. Seriously. Then she winked at me.
I’m still finishing rewrites on ‘Taste’, a story originally conceived for submission to the HIDEOUS EVERMORE anthology. It quickly ran past the word count and I couldn’t whittle it down enough, so I decided instead to expand. It’s not the easiest story for me to write at this time, so that’s why it’s lingering. I love the story, I do, but sometimes the muse strikes a little too close to the bone. For now it will have to simmer.
A new and exciting venture erupted from an enlightening conversation last week with my friend, W.D. Prescott. Sometimes the best ideas are born so flippantly. The new project will be called NOSTRILDAMUS, about a seer who glimpses the future every time he sneezes. Divination practices are being carefully plotted before we dive into that madness, but I am optimistic about its potential. I’m not sure yet if it will be a singular story or perhaps one of several, but on the horizon looms the possibility of a special edition 2012 prediction. If sneezes are like tiny deaths, then his sneezes will be no less than cataclysmic.
Oh. Kali corrected me just now. She says that ‘orgasms’ – and not ’sneezes’ – are called little deaths. Whatever, you perverted ferret! I swear, let a ferret chew a copy of Salvadore Dali’s ‘Diary of a Genius’ one time, and suddenly they know everything.
Somewhere in the near distance, my vampire epic awaits: HAPPY TEETH. It’s a heroic tale of an Adelie penguin named Cecil that pretends to be a vampire to earn the fear and respect of his colony, then finds himself face to face with the real thing. He must destroy the vampire to save not just himself, but his family as well. And if I pull it off, I will BEG Dreamworks to take it and run. Because it’s been a while since the penguins entertained us. And what’s more entertaining than an idiot penguin with a set of falsies? Not much, I promise you that.
Oh, now that’s lovely. Kali discovered the bag of chocolate chip cookies and is attempting to drag the entire package under the bed. As if I wouldn’t notice it had gone missing. What? No, you cannot have a glass of milk to go with that! And what are you doing with the heating pad?
I suspect the thumping and flashing lights coming from under the bed might be the disco ball and car woofer that went missing last week. Time for me to lay down the law. Not that it helps. Last time I threatened repercussions, I found three ferrets submerged in my coffee mug while one played gopher in my purse. If they’d remembered their cues as well during the last botched bank heist, I’d be typing this from a much fancier laptop, sitting on a much bigger bed. Aboard a yacht.
Kali says it’s nothing personal. Right. She also said Richard Nixon comes in while I sleep at night and plays Tiddleywinks with her. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
Until next time~
Jezzy
