Where have all the flowers gone? And while we’re at it, where have all the new ideas gone, too?

Come on, I can’t be the only one this bored, can I?

It’s gonna be a zany weekend at the box office.  Brand new movies include a third version of the same HULK movie, this time starring Mila Jovanovich…  because it is mandated in Hollyboob that at least two thirds of all action flicks star Mila.  That’s after she stars in yet another BATMAN movie.  They’re really mixing it up though, cause this time she plays Robin.  Edgy stuff.

Problem is it’s scheduled to hit the same weekend as that SPIDERMAN BEGINS movie, and SPY KIDS GO TO COLLEGE BUT END UP OCCUPYING WALL STREET BECAUSE OF OUTRAGEOUS STUDENT LOANS.

And that’s just this week.  Next week Nia Vardalos plays a loud Greek woman who gets married to a CATHOLIC GUY!  It’s called MY BIG FAT GREEK SECOND WEDDING.  Her fiance is played by Steve Carroll.  How well it holds up against the new taxicab driving powerhouse starring heavy hitters Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson, and Tracey Morgan is anyone’s guess.  Add to the mix the new animated adaptation of OLD YELLER, featuring the voice of Robert Pattinson as Yeller… and Snoop Dogg playing himself.

OR I could just stay home and watch another episode of  THE WALKING TRUE DEAD AMERICAN HORROR BLOOD STORY.

Really?

Am I the only one that thinks we’re being fed pre-chewed meals here?  We’ve seen all of this before.  Do we really need several different takes of the same comic book turned movie origin story?  Or 10 sequels to a movie that was not so hot to begin with, and now wouldn’t even steam in sub-arctic temperatures.  Would it kill anyone to actually present us with a new action hero… perhaps one that doesn’t spend half the movie transporting hostages in the middle of crazy drift stunt sequences?  I think the last time I was truly excited enough to watch a movie in the theater was Hangover II… another sequel.  A sequel whose brilliance lies in the fact that it basically mirrors its predecessor, making it even more sequelly than usual.

I am tired of zombies, vampires, gangsters, polygamists, and people with 20 friggin children.  I have no interest whatsoever in hearing chipmunks destroy already pathetic pop chartbusters.  And don’t even get me started on how positively uninspiring the music industry has become.

Used to be at any given time, I could fill a hand with the movies I couldn’t wait to see.  Two hands for all the new cds I wanted to purchase.  Now I sit at my computer staring at the upcoming releases, and I feel… nothing.

I’m easily disenchanted, I know.  I get bored so quickly with what’s on the radio, the television, the big screen.  Hell, even the bookstores are starting to lose their gleam.  Not much makes me giddy with girly anticipation.  And that has less to do with my not-so-girly age than with the fact that everything new looks like deja vu to me.

Did we get a defective batch of thinking caps in?  Even the WEB BOT is unimpressed.  If we are in danger of losing anything this year, my friends, it’s our passion.

Wake up and smell the flatulence, because honestly, this STINKS.

I Hate It When Monkey Articulating Goes Awry… A.K.A. THE Obligatory, and Possibly Final New Year’s Post

If monkey articulation is the only thing I remember about tonight, then I guess that’s still not half bad.

When I realized my plans had been changed, I said “Screw it. I’m taking this party on the road.” Then I grabbed the Peachtree and cherry vodka and big ass gallon of Tropicana and headed out just long enough to miss giving all my fuzzbutts a New Years cuddle, Damn. Right now they’re looking at me pretty weirdly but they’ll be good enough sports to tolerate my excessive adoration. Maybe I should wait til they wake up, though. Its important to sleep enough. If I make any reservations at all, it will be to sleep more this year.

No, I won’t waste those proclimations on wait loss. Sure, I want a smaller dairyair, but people don’t really plan on keeping any of those promisse anyway. And hey, what if we die? Seriously. It’s 20friggin12. Aren’t we supposed to be screwed this year? Do YOU want to spend the last new year party making bogus promises about slenderizing when you might not get another chance to gouge yourself on pie and ice cream and cream puffs? Oh crap, I totally have some cream puffs downstairs that I need to eat. They should be ready by now. I hope I’m not sick in the morning though, cause that’s a waist of pastry. A good puff is a terrified thing to waste.

Earlier I had a mini bar set out on the ottoman by my bed. It was convenient, and oh so delicious. And I don’t mean mini as in small boottles, cause those fuckers were huge! I decide tonight that fuzzy navals were better with a splish of cherry vodka in them. I didn’t drink too many, just enough to not drink too many.And then I played card games on television and read subtitles out loud, while replacing all words beginning with ‘f’ with the word ‘ferret’. It actually made sense.

I should have something to say that’s really profound about the coming apocalipst. The kids are rooting for zombie infestation, but I’m pretty sure it is more an invasion of solar flares and Kardashians that will usher in that fateful event. And then those mayans can finally shut their yaps cause I know damn well they don’t mention a word about Kardashians in that colander they keep bugging us about. I wonder how many shows we are gonna be subjected to this year? I think at least five. I hope not though. My dvr is almost full again.

People sound stupid when they initialize their cursing. Come on. Don’t say “Effin cow S.” Say “Effin cow shit.” But make sure you smile, cause people like a smiler. I don’t smile enough. That’s because I look drunk when I do. Or maybe I just smile alot when I drink, so I think I drunk alot even though I probably just had some glasses of mixed frou frou beverages for a while.

Tonight when I was sitting on a couch at someone else’s house, I looked at the floor and realized somehow the little cushiony insert I put in my heels was laying on their carpet. Which was freaky, cause I never took my shoes off. What the hell? I’m so glad it was just a shoe insert, and not something harder to explain. Algebra is my kryptonight. Thank goodness no one wanted to discuss calculust.

Well, I certainly didn’t shed any light tonight. Remind me not to drink when I want to sound articulate. But not monkey skeleton articulate. That shit cost $2800!

Good night, my friends. We have at least 300 days to placate those dead Maypans and steer our future in the non abysmic direction. I think they just needed more fish oil. The kind that doesn’t cause fishy burps. Stinky savages!

Merry New Years and Happy Apocapitalist.

This Rant Pleads Temporary Sanity… Read At Your Own Discretion.

I am not a political activist.

Say what you want about me, but at the end of the day, it’s not at the top of my list of importance.  I’ve tried paying attention to the trends of activism and political correctness, and the one thing they all have in common is hypocrisy.  Not a single group or politician out there is really thinking about what’s best for the whole of society.  It’s just what they want, what they believe is right, and in the end, people suffer for that.  Businesses suffer for that.  And like it or lump it, but America cannot be healthy without a balance that works for both the individual and the businesses.

Normally I don’t waste precious blog space with thoughts on politics.  It’s a red button, just like religion, and I guarantee that some of you will take offense to my opinions.  But those opinions are mine, and based on my line of rationalization.  And since a trained professional has assured me that I’m actually quite sane (and let’s face it, not everyone can say that) then I’d say my rationalization is very very rational.

Before we proceed, have a peek at this:  http://tinyurl.com/3dq9dy6   It is a proposed list of demands for the Occupy Wall Street movement.

I will acknowledge that the initial paragraphs establishes it is not a formal list of demands.  That said, they need to elect someone with a better hand at composition to compile this list because right now, this is the TOP link that appears in Google under that search.  This is what the general public finds.  So unless this is an accurate list (and for their sake I hope it’s not) they really need a modern day poet laureate to take a crack at it.

Even someone like me, without a strong political interest or college education, can see that it’s the equivalent of a spoiled child’s Christmas list.

Hear me out, please.  My right to oppose is as free as their right to give me a headache.

Demand #1 and #3 both advocate the restoration of a living wage.  Sounds fantastic.  And their demand is $20 an hour, regardless of employment.  How consoling it is to know that the job I do will be less valued than the teenager’s part-time job flipping burgers.  And since I know my employer can’t afford to give me that much (at no fault of their own) they’d suddenly have to give me that base pay.  They’d also have to fire the other employees.  Which means the entirety of my job’s production will rest solely on me.  News flash: I already work 6 days a week.  I can’t do it alone.  In order for my employer to employ me AND another employee, our service prices have to increase, no way around that.  Very noticeably, might I add.  And in a market where competition is fierce cause it’s not a required cost-of-living expense, a price hike will ensure that our customers will go bye-bye.  Which will close the doors to the business, putting me, my employer, AND my assistants out of a job.  Good job.  Put 4 currently employed people out of work.  I’ll simply head over to McDonald’s and take that burger-flipping job away from YOUR kids, how’s that?  Cause I have mouths to feed and as a mother all I care about is looking out for my own.

At the end of the day, my friends, it’s a dog eat dog world.  And there’s no way in hell I’ll let anyone else’s dogs near my puppies.

I particularly loved the comments people left about that, by the way.  Business owners would point out why that demand is impossible, and they’d get cussed out and name called.  I just love maturity.  Someone even said, and I’m quoting this, “Go back to your corporate zombie box.”

To them I say, “Hey, don’t be hating on my box.  It’s actually quite accommodating.  And I’m not about to apologize for it.  I happen to work very hard for my ‘zombie box’, so save your self righteous guilt trip for some lazy blowhard looking for that free handout.”

One day I hope to own my own business.  No, NOT to be a big corporation some day, but because after 21 years in my line of work, it’s a natural goal.  But I won’t be able to employ anyone at the wage of $20 an hour.  So I guess I should hope my business is marginal, at best, so I can keep up with my workload BY MYSELF.  I won’t be adding jobs to the workforce, not with such modest success.  How exactly do you assume businesses stay open to begin with,  The Corporation Fairy?  No matter how you gel it, the fact is this: you gotta make money to spend money.  If I can’t raise the cost of my services and keep my customers, how do you suppose I’ll be able to afford employees?  I won’t be able to pay the building lease, equipment and vendor fees, insurance and security… thank you for trying to destroy my version of the American dream.  And how dare you think you’re entitled to do so!

Demand #2 asks for universal single payer healthcare.  Love playing with fire?  Then this is the demand for you.  Because with the removal of private insurers comes the nightmare of a monopoly.  Look it up, it’s not just a board game.  Have you seen the charges on a hospital bill?  Do you honestly think it’s gonna get easy when we take insurance companies out of the picture?  Why would it?  Those life-saving operations will still cost thousands, and even if the cost of medical care goes down, I guarantee you it will still be way too expensive for someone with a serious medical condition.  I certainly wouldn’t mind seeing an insurance available to people who can’t afford it through work who also don’t qualify for FAMIS or Medicaid.  Something that would affect those of us that fell through all the cracks (such as myself.)  But taking out private insurers will not fix this issue.  And those that can’t afford medical care will STILL be unable to afford it.  Congratulations.  Why not just suggest mandated population control?  (And since I know there’s plenty of OWSers that are also Right-to-Lifers, way to go with the hypocrisy!  I guess it really is all about you.)

Demand #4: FREE COLLEGE EDUCATION.

Yay! It’s freeee! The constitution guarantees it, so we should all get one!

No. Don’t make me swat you with a newspaper.  The constitution guarantees you a free education, and you are given that.  All the way through 12th grade.  I have kids, so I know it’s a fact.  Coincidentally, parents are REQUIRED to send their children to school, with the choice of public, or private. It does not guarantee college educations.

For the record, I did not go to college.  Yes, I wanted to, but it didn’t happen.  But that is NOT the government’s fault.  I went to work instead, and have worked ever since.  I don’t hold them accountable for my lack of higher education.  And had I gone, I would have applied for whatever grants and loans I needed to get through it.  I wasn’t expecting it for free, either way.

What’s with all this entitlement?  Why should we expect our government to just hand us a free college education?  And additionally, where are all these free college educations supposed to be?  Should I desire a Harvard education, am I right to expect it handed to me for free?  Hey, why don’t you just cut me a check for a million dollars to go along with it.  Cause that’s just as realistic.  Just because you want it all for free doesn’t mean you deserve it.

College educations are EARNED.  You work hard for them, and you work to pay for them.  Does the person receiving the “Utopian Dream Life” on a platter deserve it just cause they’re American?  That wasn’t what the country was founded on.  And while our history has been far from perfect, the demands of this latest movement are a slap to the face of those of us hard workers that understand you are supposed to work for what you want.  That’s how you learn to appreciate what you achieve, and gives more value to what you attain and provide to your family.  OR is everything supposed to just come easy?  (That’s a rhetorical question.)

By the by, once the colleges decide to educate you for free, how do they pay the professors?  Or is this some surfacing Animal Farm mentality that believes all people are created equal, but everyone is more equal than the educators?  How exactly do you think they get paid?  Even in state colleges, that would be a problem.  I’m glad your desire for free college doesn’t at all infringe on the right of the college professor who DID financially invest in their future to ever actually get paid for it.  Colleges have to make money to pay their bills too, Einstein.  (To this, I will admit, I think tuitions are way too high.  That doesn’t mean they should be removed completely.)

Demands #5 and #7 completely conflict each other.  No fossil fuels, no nuclear power… but hey, don’t you dare touch the forests or rivers!  What I want to know is, did they bring enough crack for the whole class?  What exactly do they think the answer is there?  Hey, brainiac, what will happen if the country switches to an alternative energy source?  Solar and wind power?  Do you know how many solar panels would need to be put into place to harness enough energy for the country?  Or windmills, for that matter?  And where exactly will they put them?  Most likely on the land that was cleared after the forests are plowed down, or the farmlands in the grain belt… or maybe we’ll just plow down your homes instead.  No point in protecting what you plan to destroy.  Hydro power, you say?  Because that doesn’t tamper with our waterways at all.  You want rivers protected so they can flow their natural courses. What the hell do you think Hoover Dam is?  Oh right, better knock that down, cause it’s just unnatural.  While you’re at it, take down all the levees, too.  Go ahead.  Free Mother Nature and put some of that population control to work all at once. (Can I assume by now that no OWSers are also anti-abortionists?  Cause I’m starting to sense a theme here…)

Kudos.  Why don’t you find a viable solution to our energy crisis before you start making demands that cannot possibly prove successful?

Demands #11 and #12 are really part of the same demand.  And this is where it gets so outrageous that I have to question if the whole thing isn’t a joke.  This is where they demand ALL debts be removed.  Everybody’s.  Yours, mine, that dude in Madagascar… every single debt everywhere.  Every kind of debt.  Even the government’s debt.  And they say this:  “Immediate across the board debt forgiveness for all. Debt forgiveness of sovereign debt, commercial loans, home mortgages, home equity loans, credit card debt, student loans and personal loans now! All debt must be stricken from the “Books.” World Bank Loans to all Nations, Bank to Bank Debt and all Bonds and Margin Call Debt in the stock market including all Derivatives or Credit Default Swaps, all 65 trillion dollars of them must also be stricken from the “Books.” And I don’t mean debt that is in default, I mean all debt on the entire planet period.”

That is a direct quote. I copied and pasted it, so I’m not twisting anything.  It sounds ridiculous all by itself.

Let me get this straight… you want all your debts wiped clean?  All of them, really?  So those stupid credit card bills you ran up purchasing crap, just wipe them out?  Basically, everything is free now?  FREE?  Do I honestly have to explain why that is absolutely ASININE???  Hey, tell you what, since you’re now making $20 bucks an hour, why don’t you just pay for all the stuff you bought?  Put the money back into the struggling economy you think can just magically fix itself.  As I said before, why not just throw a check for a million dollars on top of that deal?  Seems like if you’re making that much money now, you can afford to pay off your creditors.  Of course, when the cost of minimum wage rises, so does the cost of living.  But hey, you shouldn’t really be expected to pay for your house, right?  Why don’t we all just go drive a brand new sports car off the lot… it’s gonna be free soon.  I’m betting there’s a lot of OWSers with large debts.  Guess what?  That’s why we also need credit reporting agencies.  Because of the jackasses that go out and purchase things they don’t have the means and/or discipline to pay for.  Remember the store signs that read ‘You break it, You buy it’?

How about ‘You buy it, You buy it’.

But, if everyone made at least $2o dollars an hour, we’ll all do the right thing and pay our bills, right?

I still have that rolled newspaper right here…

Demand #9: Open borders migration.  Anyone can travel anywhere to work and live.

Great idea.  Americans don’t have enough job opportunities, so let’s open up those borders. We can head over to countries like Mexico where we’d make a hell of a lot less an hour.  Plus allow other populations to come in and take more jobs from us.  That’s smart.  Or did you just mean open borders migration for Americans only?  Cause that’s just being an elitist asshole.  Which will completely negate the need for demand #8: Racial and gender equal rights amendment.  Then again, I’m sure those other countries that can now freely come in to take our jobs will appreciate our consideration towards their rights.  And for $20 bucks an hour, you bet your ass they will come in droves.  They already do, just not legally.  And there are plenty of you that can’t get jobs right now cause immigrants agree to do them for less than you.  So unless you’re really not that masochistic, go ahead, open those borders.  Destroy more jobs for Americans.  Go you!  You’re really on a roll!

Trillions of dollars for infrastructure, trillions of dollars for conservation of our land.  Noble.  Needed.  Still pretty unrealistic.  I’m all for attention to our countries infrastructure.  That’s important.  Trillions of dollars budgeted for it?  Every so many weeks our government nearly shuts down because they can’t agree on a budget… a budget TRILLIONS of dollars in deficit.  But I’m sure there’s an extra trillion or three that they can set aside for your demands, OWS.  And don’t start on the debt erasure… do you honestly think it will make a difference if the US wipes out its own debt?  There is no way in hell other countries will agree to it.  I promise you, other nations will LAUGH at your demands.  They might welcome them even… gives them the chance to squash us once and for all.

Dammit, why don’t you try giving me something I can actually stand behind?  Grow up already!  I’m a caucasian woman working to provide for her family, no college degree, no health insurance, but I do NOT expect my government to give me everything for free.  I am not a SOCIALIST.

The world already thinks Americans are lazy ingrates.  This list of demands reiterates it.

Thanks anyway, but do not speak for me.

The Last Dying Wheezes of an Asthmatic Empire

You might think I’m talking about my writing career, huh?  Well, you’d be wrong.  This was initially to be the title of a blog post about bookstores.  Then I decided it would be about Post-Modern Impressionism and it’s role in the Socialist Party during the Cold War.  Then I thought to use it on a scathing review of this generation’s ‘My Little Pony’ franchise.

But then I decided to just use it anyway, cause I was tired of seeing it sitting there all by it’s lonesome in my saved drafts.  So just pretend it’s relevant to the rest of this post, would you?

That aside, a few announcements.  The TOC for BACONOLOGY (from Library of the Living Dead Press) was released, and it’s sizzling!  I don’t have a release date as of yet (patience, kids, good bacon takes time) but the included stories will be:

Tasty Tidbits of Terror!

Secret Recipe by David Dunwoody
BLT Summer by Carey Burns
Always Bet On Bacon! by Timothy W. Long
Horror From The Happy Squealer Bacon Hut by  Joe Filippone
The Quitter by Teresa Bergen
Porn And The First-Person Shooter by Jessica Brown
Bits Of Oscar by  Rebecca Nazar
Makin’ Bacon by  Dave McEachern
The Woods Are Dark And Full Of Pork Products by Derek J. Goodman
The Bacon Cometh by Lance Schonberg
Home-Cured by Byron Alexander Campbell
This Little Pig by Talu Briar
It’s Alive by Randal Tanabe
Everybody Love Bacon by Don Newberry
The Smell Of Bacon by Paul A. Freeman
Food Porn by Natalie L. Sin
Sisters Of Bacon by Wayne Goodchild
The Un-Kosher Golem by Matthew Baugh
Bacon Boy Bob And The Alien Invasion by S.A. Kats
Breakfast Of The Living Dead by Jason Colavito
Elk Stones by Stephen A. North
Bad Ass Commander Of Ninjas by Sheri Gambino
Best Served Hot by Patrick Rutigliano
Raising Bacon by Cairol Dawson
Beelzebacon! by Jezzy Wolfe
The Pi Iota Gamma Incident by Bill Tucker
Bacon Man by Zombie Zak

Oink oink!

Currently I am working on a story for an anthology I was invited to submit to.  It’s super secret squirrel though …that means you’ll get no deets from me!  All I will say is that it looks like a fantastic book and I would love to be a part of it.  But in addition to that I’m working on one or two reviews…

Which leads me to the announcement that I think I’ve neglected to make officially – I’m a reviewer for Liquid Imagination now.  In the May issue I reviewed Sarah St. John’s ‘Black Hearts and Red Blood Dreams’.  In the upcoming issue I will have at least one review (slight possibility, maybe two) but I need to check the release for the upcoming issue first.

Liquid Imagination is an online fantasy magazine that includes poetry, short stories, micro-fiction, articles and reviews, and art.  (And it’s not limited to fantasy… if it’s a great story, that’s what matters most.)  It was founded by my friend John Arthur Miller (JAM), who is an incredibly talented author as well as a crazy dreamer.  LI has an enthusiastic staff of editors and writers that are dedicated to a single vision of literary greatness.  Stephen Roberts and I both recently signed on to do regular reviews, and rumor has it that Stephen will be hosting a blogtalk radio program for LI as well.  Go Stephen!

As for my other projects, my FuzzyFriskyFierce empire is progressing nicely.  There are new products in my storefront, and the blog gets a regular stream of traffic.  I now have a Tumblr account as well, even though it’s still small and doesn’t currently have much visibility.  There are tentative plans to turn the FerreXorcist into a novella, which is largely why I have yet to release it as an online serial – and may never do so. (Free cows, skim milk, you know the adage.)  And Mad Milly and Art of Dying are moving along, hogging whatever free moments remain.

So as you can see, the blog title does not actually refer to me.  Hell, I’ve never been even slightly asthmatic… although I can wheeze with the best of them.

Is this a random blog post in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?

Actually, it’s a banana. If that banana was formed of words rather than a molecular structure. AND only if said words strung together actually sung unspoken ballads of bacon, chocolate, and melodious maltodextrinized flabergastration.

I have no idea what the hell I just said. Pretty sure some of those words aren’t even valid. For what it’s worth, I did type them with a straight face.

I had a solid idea for this post prior to the actual execution of composition. It giggled and macarena’d away as soon as I logged in, unfortunately. If I happen to see it, I will sternly reprimand it and send it back for a round of apologies and metaphorical ear boxing.

You’re probably reading this malarky, puffed up and grumbling, “I have better things to do with my time that read this rubbish!” And you’d be absolutely right.

Why, you could be Armor All-ing your dashboard right now! Everyone knows that detailing after midnight produces a far more lustrous sheen on your car’s leather. (They say it shines like butter, but don’t you believe it. Tastes nothing at all like butter. Makes your popcorn downright bitter, in fact. Bitter, people, not butter! Yuck.) Coincidentally, it smells nothing like butter, either. Their marketing and research teams really need to hone their skills a little more.

You could watch a movie with the sound turned off and make up your own dialogue. But unless you are extremely funny, best reserve this for your alone time. Badly improved dialogue often results in a hostile takeover of one’s eyebrows by furious family members. Not fun. I hope mine will grow back any day now. (But I suspect they might be waxing them as I sleep. I still have trouble stifling my urge to peanut gallery the nightly news. Bummer.)

If those options don’t appeal to you, then how about designing tattoos? There’s always a demand for new tattoo trends. Personally, I would love to see a well detailed honey ham adorning someone’s hamstring. Or perhaps a tattoo that elegantly declares “Tattoo” across the small of a woman’s back. We could certainly use more tattoos that could double as public service messages. I would appreciate the honesty of someone with a tattoo on their abdomen that says “I’m With Stupid,” with an arrow beneath that points to their crotch. Sure, I’d steer clear of them, but hey, thanks for the warning, idiot!

I actually do have perfectly intelligent–or at least coherent–things to tell you about, but I suspect they’ll come out all goofy tonight. Much like the badass honey badger, I’m crazy. And also very sleepy.

Honestly, the fact that you read this entire post and lived to tell the tale is admirable. I totally heart you all.

Holla!

 

Two times more reviewy than the average review: A review of Lucy Snyder’s ‘Spellbent’ and ‘Shotgun Sorceress’

Today, my brother regarded me with awe as he said, “Wow. You are really obsessed with ferrets.”

Spellbent (Look! There's a cute ferret on the cover!)

Which is what it all boils down to. Anything I dive into, be it project or past-time, is always done with more compulsion and dedication when it somehow involves ferrets. So I wasted no time in jumping into Spellbent the evening I received it. Because despite the fact that I read very little fantasy and stated openly that it was not usually my genre of choice… there was a cute little ferret on the cover. Yes, I am that obsessed.

But let it be made clear -  you do not have to be a fuzzy fanatic like me to appreciate Spellbent. If the presence of a ferret was the only entertaining aspect of the book, I still would not have been able to read it. I tore through Spellbent as quickly as one of my favorite Nicci French books, and that’s fast. It was easy to get into and easy to follow. Thoroughly enjoyable. All things I rarely ever say of fantasy. Because fact is, most fantasy I’ve read takes place in other worlds, other centuries. The heroes are characters that are often not human and not people I can identify with, and that makes it harder for me to follow. I probably sound simple-minded when I say that, but the quickest way for me to lose myself in any book is to see myself as the heroine. In most fantasy books, I cannot. In Lucy Snyder’s novels, I can. This isn’t Tolkien and his world of Middle-Earth; this is modern-day Ohio. The book is woven with a very practical approach to magic and how it affects everything, from the economy to the government to the average working talent and their interactions with the mundane around them. All explained in ways that even I can understand. No easy feat, believe me.

Jessie Shimmer is a young woman still learning the extent of her magical abilities when her whole world is turned askew. In Spellbent, she suddenly finds herself on the run, trying to save her love from a hell with roots that run far deeper than she could’ve imagined. And faithfully accompanying her is a rascally ferret familiar, Palimpsest. He is unusually dignified for a fuzzy, and I was highly amused by an early description of his voice… a Canadian librarian. (I kept imagining Joel Sutherland portraying Pal in the heavily CGR’d movie adaptation. So how about it, Dreamworks?) And most importantly, Snyder’s description of ferret mannerisms were fairly accurate. With the only exception being a description of Pal’s excrement, which had been described as a small warm pellet. I wish that were true of ferrets, believe me! But Pal is a magical familiar, not a born fuzzy. So for argument’s sake, that was magical poo, and therefore correct.

Shotgun Sorceress. One word: HOT!

Ferret fanaticism aside, Spellbent is a fantastic series starter. I was very eager to see how it would be followed up. So as soon as I was able, I got myself a copy of the second Jessie Shimmers book, Shotgun Sorceress. Tore through that even faster than I had Spellbent. The second book picks up promptly where the first leaves off. Jessie is now facing the repercussions of her actions in the first novel. Once again she is on the run, and this time finds herself exiled in the most no man’s land of no man’s lands… Texas. (No offense to actual Texans intended, I promise.) With Pal once again at her side, she harnesses her growing arsenal of powers to save the town from a vicious evil that even she has a hard time resisting. And I can’t forget the little devil kittens. Almost as cute as ferrets, except they were kittens. And of course, devils. They managed to be somewhat comical creatures, while being pretty creepy at the same time.

I kinda want one now.

I really don’t want to divulge more of the plot than necessary. The point is to get you thinking, ‘Holy hellfire, I have to read those books!’ To sum them up without spoiling anything, both Spellbent and Shotgun Sorceress are highly entertaining and fast paced. Full of sizzling naughtiness… particularly Shotgun Sorceress. There’s plenty of humor and sarcasm, as well as elements that appeal to the closet romantic in us all – longing, desperation, and the hope that true love always prevails in the face of adversity. But don’t worry, this is no Harlequin Romance. This is fantasy at it’s best, complete with a cute ferret turned odd ‘spider weasel bear’. Seriously, can you possibly ask for more than that?

No, you can’t.

I’m giving Lucy Snyder’s Spellbent and Shotgun Sorceress 5 out of 5 fuzzies each. Cause that’s how I roll.

You probably think this is just a random blog post, but actually it’s a very informative post on the top authors stacked on my bookshelves.

My bookshelves have gotten dusty. REAL dusty. And the only books I buy anymore are usually books I order online, because the book stores are really starting to bore me. Last time I went to a B&N, I only managed to find the Lucy Snyder novel that I went in search of. Couldn’t find Braunbeck, Straub, or Shannon. And I was so annoyed that I couldn’t find any of them that I totally forgot to look for some Nicci French. Maybe I’m being unrealistic to hope that a bookstore really can carry a little of everything, cause apparently they can’t.

And what’s worse, they did not have a single book on ferrets. None whatsoever. What the hell?!

But back to the point. Because I haven’t been purchasing a slew of books, I have small piles of books that haven’t made it to my bookshelf as of yet. So today I decided to dust said shelves and make room for my newer books.

Major time fail there. I still have small piles of renegade books that have yet to find a cozy respite amongst the others.

But while I was dusting and rearranging, I realized something: For a horror writer, I actually own very little classified horror. I’ve often said I’ve never read a lot of it. Don’t get me wrong, I love horror. But when I do a head count on the authors I have read most dutifully, a good number of them haven’t been horror at all.

So the following are the top ten authors on my bookshelves (as determined by the volumes of titles I own.) Also affectionately known as “The Shelf Hogs”. (Clicking on the author’s names will take you to their websites, by the way!)

1. Barbara Michaels (26 titles)   Supernatural Thriller

First book I read by Barbara Michaels completely hooked me. It was ‘Houses of Stone’, which was set not too far from where I live. All her books have common elements – mysterious forgotten rooms in old attics or basements, long buried family histories and secrets, and the supernatural presence of ghosts. I purchased every book I could get my hands on, although she has three titles that I still do not own. She also writes under the popular pseudonym of Elizabeth Peters, but I’ve never read any of those titles. I’ve contemplated it, though… I haven’t seen any new Michaels’  releases in quite some time.

If you love a good creepy ghost story, check her out!

2. Christopher Pike (25 titles)  Young Adult Horror

Mr. Pike was my first fiction addiction. I’ve always loved to read, but once I caught wind of his books, I had pretty much a one track mind. I saved my allowances for his next releases and bought each of them as soon as they hit the shelf. As I got older, I lost track of his publications, but I still have all the books I purchased as a teenager. Even though I can’t remember the last time I read them, they always have a place of honor on my bookshelves. (For the record, I should have 26 of his books as well, but I loaned one out years ago and never saw it again… le sigh.)

Still enjoy YA fiction? He was a founding fictioneer. Go get you some! He writes adult fiction, too.

3. V.C. Andrews (23 titles)   Suspense/Thriller

I almost hate to admit I have so many of Andrew’s books. Her’s was probably the first adult fiction I’d ever read. I remember sneaking into my brother’s room when I was a child and stealing his copy of Flowers in the Attic. In fact, I believe I still have his books. The covers are falling off now, but I’ve never replaced them… LOL. I haven’t purchased and Andrews books in some time because I feel they’ve grown quite formulaic and are now geared more towards the YA audience. Which is fine, I suppose. But originally her books were far more r-rated, and those were the books I grew up on. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t be telling you that.

She passed away fairly early in her career, ironically, but a ghost writer carries on her name to this day. My collection is namely her older stuff. For the most part, all still readily available if you’re interested!

4. Teresa Medeiros (14 titles)  Romance

So I was looking for something new to read, and there in the nearby drugstore was a small selection of New York Times bestsellers. And that was when I decided to give Teresa a shot. What the hell, right? Well, as you can see, I gave her lots of shots. Fact is she is my favorite romance author. There are a lot of great women writing romance, and in my opinion she’s at the top of her game. Her books are exciting, funny, and entertaining. And while I haven’t purchased much in the way of romance in quite some time, chances are when I go looking for fictitious loving, I’ll be checking in to see what new goodies she has.

I know she recently had a new release… maybe I’ll be checking that out. Good times! Like a fun love story? Then you should check her out, too.

5. Richie Tankersley Cusick (12 titles)  Young Adult Horror

Let me tell you, if she’d had as many titles out as Pike when I was a teenager, she would have given his books a real run for the shelf space. I lost count of how many times I read every single one of her books. I even re-read one of them recently as a nice stroll down memory lane. As with Pike’s books, her’s will always have their place of honor on my shelf.

Should you stumble across any of them, grab them! Very thrilling!

6. W. Michael Gear & Kathleen O’Neal Gear (9 titles)  Suspense/Thriller

Wow, what can’t I say about this pair? The Gears are just flat out impressive. Their extensive educations and careers afford them a bottomless well of wisdom from which to draw on. Every single book of theirs that I’ve read so far (and I say so far cause they have a TON of titles that I still have yet to grab) has been amazing. Each one takes a detailed look at the lives of the native people that inhabited North America from the past hundred years, to way back in the days of the cavemen. And while they’re teaching you so much about these people that disappeared so long ago, they are entertaining you with these gripping, edge-of-your-seat plots that barrel you through the pages like you were reading a brochure. Uh, what I’m trying to say is these books can be long, but they are never a long read. And don’t worry, I will have many more of their titles to add to my shelves. Because they never disappoint.

If you love a little anthropological lesson with your fiction, PLEASE give them a try. Their books are pure WIN!

7.  Heather Graham (8 titles) AND  8. Shannon Drake (8 titles)

It is not lost on me that it is highly ironic that both #7 and #8 are the same author under different pen names. Until today, I was unaware that I own exactly the same amount of books for this fiction churning double dynamo. And while I’m fairly certain that Shannon Drake focuses on more historical romance, Heather Graham writes a variety of genres. The older Heather Graham books I own are romance as well, but I recently received her three newest, and they look more like suspense thrillers to me.  I’ll be checking them out soon and then I’ll know for certain.

Regardless of whether your buying a Shannon Drake or a Heather Graham, make no mistake. You’re in for a good time!

9. Nicci French (6 titles)  Suspense/Thriller

The fact that Nicci French appears at nearly the bottom of my list does not affect that fact that she’s actually one of my top overall favorite authors. I’ve had a hard time finding her other books in the bookstores, so I’ll be looking for her more online. The element of psychological terror that is woven into all her novels is like chocolate to me… I can’t get enough of it. I should probably mention that Nicci French is actually a pseudonym for a pair of writers from the UK. Cheeky! So just know when I say ‘her’, I really mean ‘her and him’. Which sounds weird. But probably less weird than if I referred to Nicci French as a ‘they’.

Point is this: Nicci French makes my top three list of very favorite authors. I highly recommend French novels to you all. Highly, highly, highly.

10. Tess Gerritsen (6 titles)  Suspense/Thriller

Tess is another crime writer, but she’s recently made a huge splash when TNT picked up her characters for the hit show, Rizzoli and Isles. I adore her books, and so far every one that I’ve read has been a hit. But I don’t watch the show as much, only because sometimes I recognize bits of the plot lines from the books, and some of the details have been switched for TV showing. It throws me off a bit. Don’t get me wrong, the show is fantastic. But her books, let me tell you, are fantastic magnified and multiplied! I have many more of her books to acquire, and I will, don’t you worry. Tess is a very intelligent woman, and it shows in her characters. I have much love for her novels, and as a writer she is someone I look up to.

Buy her books! Right now! Well, unless it’s really late when you read this. In which case… buy her books tomorrow!

So those are the top ten shelf hogs. Runners up are Dan Brown, Poppy Z. Brite, Kat Martin, and the late Olivia Goldsmith (a horribly tragic loss, she was).  It would not take much for any one of these authors to move up into top ten shelf hog status.

So, all things considered, is it any wonder I refer to myself as the anti-horror horror writer?

An Experiment in Destiny

We’re doomed. Yep. And that’s being optimistic. We’re so screwed that our threads have been stripped. 

Or at least according to the Mayans. And the Hopi. And those six skeptical dudes that I stayed up late one night to watch on television, only to retire to bed feeling uneasy and frustrated. Hell, even Nostradamus has us slated for beetle grub.

Or does he…?

Nope. All the Nostradamus 2012 specials are complete hype. There is absolutely no evidence that the creepy book of watercolors is based on his prophecies. In fact, his actual prediction of annihilation occurs in the 3700′s. We’re more than a couple years off from that. And the Mayans and the Hopi? Well, I’d be more impressed if they weren’t trade buddies. If the two societies had never met, never traversed each other’s paths, then fine. Lots of weight would come with their eerily similar predictions. But as history tells it, they met in the ‘Zone of Silence’ to trade goods. And information.

Am I wagering that they sat around getting shitfaced and decided to play a good joke on us all? Well, no. Although I don’t argue, that would make for a funny apocalyptic theme. Hmmm…

DIBS!

My point to this meandering is this: I have spent a crazy amount of time watching all these doomy shows, and it’s not doing wonders for my outlook. The world does indeed look significantly darker when you look at it with the realization that it could be gone in 2 years time. I have kids and I want to see them grow up to live long and happy lives. I have ferrets, dammit! I want to live!

Now… here’s where ‘enlightenment’ happens.

I watched Brad Meltzer’s Decoded last week. I’ve skipped most his shows because so far they’ve been just goofy. But I wanted to see what they came up with for 2012. Certainly they weren’t gonna mimic everyone else and say that we are indeed slated for extermination that winter’s solstice. Doesn’t every show need an edge?

Surprisingly, they actually had one.

One Nostradamus ‘expert’ pointed out that Nosty (…nice) predicted many bad things, but his end date is much later than the Mayopis. (See that? I just jammed those two together. I’m totally impressing myself!) And let’s face it. Nosty was a poet by necessity. Hey, dude didn’t want to get his block knocked off. Which means that none of his predictions will ever make sense until something happens. So they’re not very successful ‘warnings’, are they? To be honest, some of them are so generalized that they really could be multi-purpose quatrains. The “quicker picker-upper predictions”. So while I am always interested in Nosty’s views, I’m not betting the bank on them.

The Mayans made a big calendar. They based it on the planets and alignments. My guess is that like all calendars, theirs had to end too. I don’t know or completely believe that the end of their calendar is more than just that. And hey, yoo hoo! If they were so spot on, why didn’t they save themselves? It’s like sitting in the middle of the African bush, predicting the deaths of tribes that haven’t even appeared yet… and getting snuck up on by a herd of stampeding elephants. “Holy shit, where did those pissed off pachyderms come fr–” SPLAT! Yeah. Nice try, guys. Let’s play again in a few thousand years.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m willing to believe that something will happen. Sooner or later. Magnetic shifting, solar flares… yeah, I get it. I’m not happy about it at all, but I know we’re helpless when it comes to the extra extra big picture. I could say, “Hey, let’s all jump up and down starting at 9 am on Dec 21 and keep it up for the next 24 hours and maybe all that jumping will push the entire planet down until we’re out of that dark rift.” But even I’m not that idiotic. We’re headed for something. But until it happens, no one knows what the something is.

So as Brad’s team tried to find holes that would save our collective asses, they came across one of the developer’s for the Web Bot. You’ve heard of this, right? It predicts future events by scanning the internet and picking up codes. It predicted 9-11, amongst a myriad of other events. And as I listened to them explain how it works, sheer genius was bequeathed to me. I’m talking genius like OPRAH genius. Yes, THAT fantastic!

Bear with me on this:

The Web Bot is predicting our future based on ALL the information on the internet. This thing is reading and analyzing everything we put here. Including this cockamamy post about how it is reading and analyzing everything we put here. Including this post!

Uh, where was I?

Oh yeah! Genius! Guys, it’s reading US. (No, not the magazine!) It’s predicting what happens to us based on what we say. So doesn’t that stand to reason that maybe we have some say in what happens in our future? It’s predicting doom and gloom cause that’s ALL we’re talking about!

Quick interesting side note before I make my proposal: It hasn’t made a real prediction about 2012. It’s just saying ‘cataclysm’. Which is really specific, thanks  a lot, Web-ster. And the men monitoring the programs said the thing is, all predictions stop on Dec 21, 2012. And they don’t resume until May 2013. A-HA… but they DO resume. Isn’t that kinda like good news? Maybe?

Anyway, here’s what I suggest. We are in control of our so-to-speak destiny. It’s taking its cues from us and all the rhetoric and propaganda and bad Palin jokes that we plug in here everyday. Is all this pointless banter worth the inevitable demise that is being predicted because of it? Are these words of fear and paranoia worth a future of pain, desolation, and Larry the Cable Guy with a show on the History Channel? Do I remember what I was talking about?

Oh yeah.

What if everybody, for an extended period of time, picked one subject. Only one. And then proceeded to ONLY write about that one thing on the internet. Everywhere. From emails to dating sites to social networks to blogs to ‘BeatYourPorkChop.com’… If everyone only talked about one thing, doesn’t that invariably affect the data the Webot gets? And wouldn’t that be a funny as hell joke?

 

Say, just as an example, everyone just typed the word ‘Dook’. Nothing but billions of people, all just saying ‘Dook’. Do you think the Web Bot would get a dose of that and be like, “Holy hell! WTF does ‘Dook’ mean?” And is that future so scary? No. There’s nothing scary about ‘Dook’. Although in retrospect, they’d probably misinterpret it as ‘Doom’…

Uh.

Okay, scratch ‘Dook’. Lets come up with something fun and fluffy. Something we can all look forward to. Hell, it’s our future, peoples. Let’s get creative. And goofy. If nothing else, we’ll find out if the Web Bot is programmed with a sense of humor.

The bottom line is — we are in control. Maybe not over planetary alignment mumbo-jumbo, but when it comes to social conscience and compassion and knowing when the fuck to lighten up, oh yeah, it’s all us, baby.

So let’s turn this around. Any ideas for what we should all talk about?

Black Swan

Directed by:
Darren Aronofsky

Starring:
Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis and Vincent Cassel 

Overall Impression:
A timeless Degas. On acid.

I’m not at all surprised that Black Swan has so many award nominations. Undoubtedly, it is a beautiful film. Which is ironic considering how it focuses on the malignant darkness of a  mentally broken woman, normally an ugly perspective, indeed.

Ballet is probably one of the most stunning performing arts you will ever witness. But with that characteristic grace and strength comes a very crass behind-the-stage look at what a ballerina’s life is like. As with so many athletic sports, ballet thrives on youth and stamina. The brutal reality of what a dancer does to her body in order to grace the stage is a ruthless reminder of what an  extreme illusion every performance is. In that sense the movie is spot on. It’s not all tutus and tights and willowy creatures… it’s torn ligaments and broken toes and eating disorders. And (at least in this case) psychosis.

Natalie Portman portrays Nina Sayers, a young woman yearning to emerge from the company as its new prima ballerina. Her predecessor is Beth MacIntyre (Winona Ryder) an axed diva who has simply aged past her prime and forced into early retirement. For someone with so few actual scenes, Ryder gives a stellar performance. As Nina is selected to be the White Swan in the company’s production of Swan Lake, her mother, played by Barbara Hershey, worries that her daughter cannot withstand the pressures of being the lead. Add to that mix the demanding director Thomas Leroy (Vincent Cassel) who uses sexual tension to fuel Nina’s performances, and her rival/potential best friend Lily (Mila Kunis) and you have on screen the formula that is Nina’s undoing.

I could give you an in-depth account of what I believe happened in the storyline. But another aspect of the movie’s allure is that it is open to interpretation. After all, the one thing everyone agrees on is that Nina is fastly losing her mind. The question is how much of what she experiences is in her head. Her mother is clearly disturbed as well, after having given up her life’s dream of being a ballerina to have and raise Nina. She shelters Nina to the point of suffocation.  Is she the catalyst for Nina’s downward spiral, or was she simply protecting her daughter from her fragile state of mind? Then there’s Lily. She wants to be Nina’s friend… maybe. Or perhaps she wants to be Nina’s lover. Or maybe Nina admire’s Lilly’s wild abandon so much that she is sexually attracted to her. Or maybe Lilly is nothing more than the corporeal manifestation of Nina’s psychosis. It’s just one of the unanswered questions you will walk away with.

There are layers of darkness that borderline actual horror in this film, and personally I enjoy that tremendously. The mind is a twisted, visceral landscape, and this movie travels it well.  It reminds me a little bit of Jacob’s Ladder — how much of it happened in the head, and how much was real. I could watch it repeatedly and still not have all the answers.

And that, my friends, is what gives it kick. Perpetual intrigue will always keep you coming back for more.

With an entire cast of fantastic performances and an impressive storyline, this is a film well worth the cost of a movie ticket. See it at the theater, or wait to see it at home. Either way, you will not be disappointed.

Black Swan receives 4.5 out of 5 fuzzies  

The Last Exorcism

Directed by Daniel Stamm

Starring Patrick Fabian, Ashley Bell, and Iris Bahr

Overall Impression: Like the little engine that could… but then didn’t.

So the idea was to make a documentary style film about an evangelist who agrees to perform an exorcism on film. He’s your typical camera ready evangelical creature… in the business for the profit and celebrity, and completely lacking in faith and sincerity. To prove the hoax he maintains that they are, he takes his small crew to Louisiana for a paying gig to exorcise the proverbial farmer’s daughter.

He probably should have taken his job a little more seriously.

I don’t need to tell you that his lack of belief blinded him to what was really happening. After faking his way through a laughable performance — and had it been an actual documentary even the most backwoods dullard would’ve seen through his sham — he decided what the girl really needed was a shrink. Despite her fairly convincing contortionist bit in the barn (think of a far less comely Emily Rose doing a flawless split and then offering a ‘blowing job’) he still tried to blame her bizarre antics on ‘teenage shame’. Really? Does shame enable the back of one’s head to soundly rest on their ass? Nope. Tried it. Just not possible. What other explanation is there that could account for such seemingly satanic flexibility? Well, I’ll tell you what:

Incest… apparently.

And it ends the exact same way all the other ‘let’s try to make this look authentic even though they’re gonna recognize some of the actors from previous films’ mock docs ends… you screaming, “Run faceless camera man, run!” And then a thud. AND finally the closing screenshot of rocks and gravel.

Whoops! It’s wrong to reveal endings, isn’t it? Well, if it’s any consolation, there’s an unexpected twist before it’s over. And I will be nice and NOT tell you what it is. Or you can pretend the previous paragraph doesn’t exist.

Occasionally predictable plot aside, I was irritated by the movie early on. In the beginning Cotton is being interviewed, and he explains how Lucifer became evil. Now, maybe they intentionally got that bit wrong to reinforce Cotton’s lack of integrity as a supposed man of God. Either that was a deliberate snafu meant to ensure authenticity, or it was poor research in writing.

All griping aside, the movie wasn’t horrible. It had some moments of true creepiness scattered throughout the predictable set-up. But it’s not as scary as the dvd cover art implies. And it really could’ve benefited from a less been-there-done-that conclusion.

In my opinion, Emily Rose was a far more unsettling film. But that’s just me. You will have to see for yourself if I’m wrong.

The Last Exorcism receives 2.5 out of 5 Fuzzies