Archive for December, 2009

Why yes, I AM the brightest bulb in the box… but it’s only a box of 40 watt bulbs.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on December 10, 2009 by jezzywolfe

The Celebrity Status of Organs OR the Post Formerly Known As ‘Adam Lambert IS the Appendix’.

See, I didn’t realize the spleen was so important.  I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not a super brainiac when it comes to our organs’ functions.  But with most of them, you can kinda just tell that those doo-dads really matter.  You know, like Pituitary Gland.  Oh, please don’t mess with the gland!  I know I need that cause it sounds so complicated.  And Esophagus.  I don’t need to point out how major that sounds.  Hell, you can’t even say Esophagus without your Esophagus!

But Spleen?

Sounds like a squishy noise.  Or a cartoon character.  Certainly we can do without some goofball Spleen mucking around inside us, right?

Nope.  Turns out Spleen only sounds silly.  It’s actually quite useful.  Not to mention really necessary.

So you might ask why I feel that Spleen is so ineptly labeled.  Well, that’s obvious… it can’t be too important cause it only has one syllable.  Important organs should have multiple syllables and be hard to pronounce.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re gonna say. “But Jezzy, what about the Heart and Lungs? Those are short words and they’re two of the most important parts of the body!”

My response is almost (almost) self-explanatory:


Yep, you heard me.  Madonna.  One of THE biggest pop icons of all time.  And she is so notorious, so up there, that she only needs one name.  Oh, sure, she has a longer name, but who cares?  We know her as Madonna.

Same goes for Beyonce.  If someone says, “Hey, Beyonce!” you’re not gonna reply with, “Beyonce who?  Beyonce Taylor?  Beyonce Flappergill?”  No.  You know who they mean when they say Beyonce.  She is that big.

So, as far as my organs go, my heart is Madonna and my lungs are Beyonce.  And let’s not forget about the head honcho organ, Brain.  The Brain is Sting, cause it needs to be someone who can do more than ass-jiggle.  Sting is a pretty sharp fellow, and I’ve always been fond of him.  So my brain is Sting.

And for those of you screaming, “No!  Your brain should be Elvis!”  I say NOPE.  Elvis is dead.  I don’t want to be brain dead.  (Although after reading this, you might already believe I am.)

And that is why I say Adam Lambert is the Appendix.  No offense to Mr. Lambert, seriously.  Blame the media if you like.  Because until his recent performance, I was hearing very little from Lambykins, and that was just fine with me.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the guy.  To each their own, I always say.  Hell, he could have given a pap smear to Sir Elton John on stage and I would not even have batted an eye.  But since he got all freaky-deeky like that on a major awards show, it’s all I hear about.

Much like the Appendix.  You never hear too much from your Appendix, until it gets all freaky-deeky.  Then it’s time to cut that shit out.

I’m ready to hear some fresh and exciting news about someone other than Adam now.  So whatcha say, Charo?  Any possible cuchi-cuchi wardrobe malfunctions in your near future?

One word: titillating!

A Golden “No Shit, Sherlock” Moment

I love Starbucks.  Just the very idea that they exist tickles my Cilia.  I walk into a Starbucks and I’m immediately transported to a place where someone makes me a really good cup of coffee and I pay way too much for it.  Do you ever get that feeling?

Heavenly, ain’t it?

A few weeks back I apparently had a little too much money, so I ventured into a nearby Starbucks for my newest addiction: Venti Chai Latte.  As I waited in line to order, I listened to the lady in front of me play ’20 Questions’ with the barista about what was in a Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha.  After adding a bunch of personalized touches to her order (half caf soy based Geritol additive with a twist of something or another…) she moved along, allowing me to order my tea.

Beverage in hand, I headed for the straws and napkins.  I always use a straw.  Otherwise I end up wearing half of it.  Seems like a pointless tidbit to share with you, but you see, if I hadn’t needed the straw, I wouldn’t have overheard the woman talking to her husband.

She took a sip of her coffee and exclaimed with GENUINE surprise, “Wow!  This has an interesting aftertaste of something… it tastes kinda like mint!”

Really?  Would that have anything to do with the fact that you ordered a Peppermint Mocha?  What a crazy coincidence!  Imagine that!  So, it wasn’t just a catchy name then?

I bit my lip and walked very fast out of there.  It’s rude to laugh in someone’s face.  But if I ever run into her again I’ll buy her a coffee.  Sincere funniness is hard to come by.

Until next time,


Coming soon: Part two of my ongoing serial, The FerreXorcist!