Counting Down

I have never really enjoyed New Years.

While many see it as the beginning of a new year, I grew up seeing it as an end.  Or one day closer to it.  Growing up in fire and brimstone churches will go far in driving a pessimistic perspective into one’s doomsday-addled mind.  I never wanted New Years to arrive, because it represented one day closer to destruction.

As an adult, I hate to say it, but I still dread the celebration.  What am I celebrating, exactly?  A few good things happened this past year, sure.  Sprinkled through plenty of not-so-good things.  2009 was a year of extreme highs and lows.  Because of that, it’s hard to be overly optimistic about 2010.  Get my hopes up and find myself sitting, once again, alone in front of a screen on New Years eve this time next year trying to make sense of things?  I pass in advance, if it’s all the same.

SO…

No resolutions.  A resolution is a lie people tell themselves to make today more important, only to break it a couple months into the year.  Don’t resolve to lose weight… just do it.  Saving money, organizing, changing your outlook… resolve to do them and a subliminal voice in your head is already telling you it’s okay not to follow through.  Don’t make any of those promises and plans tonight.

Tonight just reflect.  And decide.  I can’t say what decisions I will be making tonight.  Will I be sitting here by myself a year from now, trying as hard as I can not to feel sorry for myself?  I sincerely hope not.  Will my heart be warmed and welcomed where ever it is I find myself 365 days from now?  I want that.

To all the people I am blessed to call my friends and family, thank you.  The support and love you have given me is irreplaceable.  I hope that I have brought happiness and comfort to all those who are near and dear to my heart, but I already know that hasn’t always been the case.  And for that I am deeply sorry, and hope that I am no longer the burden I never intended to become to anyone.  My wishes for all my friends and loved ones is nothing but the best and brightest futures in 2010, and all the years that follow.  You are amazing souls that deserve only light and love.  If anyone upstairs still listens to me, I promise I will ask for peace and joy and success for all of you, now and forever.

I love you all.  Thank you for everything.

~Jezzy

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4 Responses to “Counting Down”

  1. Listen here, dearie. (LOL I make myself sound sooo old). I was raised in a religious household also. But the end is really nothing to fear. What I fear is never really living, never really appreciating that which I have experienced, no matter whether bad or good. Because everything that happens to us, every torture we go through helps create that which we become.

    Personally, I no longer loathe anything. I embrace the terrible circumstances that have led me to where I am, because it has made me strong and beautiful and I don’t care who says otherwise.

    Whatever travesties have befallen you, there is a reason. Whether that reason is self-imposed or just random chance, your horrors have made you a beautiful person who deserves to be blessed with everything she desires. But remember, desires are best when looked forward to.

    As humans, we are never happy unless we are striving for something. How miserable I would be if life fell into perfect sync around me. How much would I start resenting life if I had nothing happen that showed me just how much I appreciate it.

    To me, New Years isn’t about resolutions or starting over. It’s a time of being thankful for everything I was strong enough to accomplish, all the people I met that I hold dear, all the people who have been there for years, and most importantly knowing that the next day will bring my beautiful boys into the the next year of their lives.

    New Years is about reminding me that I wouldn’t change a thing about the past, will work harder to be the best person I can be in the future, and remindind me that I shall always live in the present.

    To me, it isn’t about a year… it’s about me… it’s about others… it’s about life.

    I hope 2010 brings you many dreams, and just enough challenges to remind you of all the beautiful friends you have in your life. *HUGS*

  2. Thanks so much for the encouragement, sweetie. You are full of wise wisdom, and optimism, and I could certainly use some of that. I truly hope this upcoming year brings nothing but the very best your way! *HUGS*

  3. Jezzy hon – this year is going to be amazing for you, in so many ways!

    *hugs*

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