Archive for January, 2012

Where have all the flowers gone? And while we’re at it, where have all the new ideas gone, too?

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2012 by jezzywolfe

Come on, I can’t be the only one this bored, can I?

It’s gonna be a zany weekend at the box office.  Brand new movies include a third version of the same HULK movie, this time starring Mila Jovanovich…  because it is mandated in Hollyboob that at least two thirds of all action flicks star Mila.  That’s after she stars in yet another BATMAN movie.  They’re really mixing it up though, cause this time she plays Robin.  Edgy stuff.

Problem is it’s scheduled to hit the same weekend as that SPIDERMAN BEGINS movie, and SPY KIDS GO TO COLLEGE BUT END UP OCCUPYING WALL STREET BECAUSE OF OUTRAGEOUS STUDENT LOANS.

And that’s just this week.  Next week Nia Vardalos plays a loud Greek woman who gets married to a CATHOLIC GUY!  It’s called MY BIG FAT GREEK SECOND WEDDING.  Her fiance is played by Steve Carroll.  How well it holds up against the new taxicab driving powerhouse starring heavy hitters Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson, and Tracey Morgan is anyone’s guess.  Add to the mix the new animated adaptation of OLD YELLER, featuring the voice of Robert Pattinson as Yeller… and Snoop Dogg playing himself.

OR I could just stay home and watch another episode of  THE WALKING TRUE DEAD AMERICAN HORROR BLOOD STORY.

Really?

Am I the only one that thinks we’re being fed pre-chewed meals here?  We’ve seen all of this before.  Do we really need several different takes of the same comic book turned movie origin story?  Or 10 sequels to a movie that was not so hot to begin with, and now wouldn’t even steam in sub-arctic temperatures.  Would it kill anyone to actually present us with a new action hero… perhaps one that doesn’t spend half the movie transporting hostages in the middle of crazy drift stunt sequences?  I think the last time I was truly excited enough to watch a movie in the theater was Hangover II… another sequel.  A sequel whose brilliance lies in the fact that it basically mirrors its predecessor, making it even more sequelly than usual.

I am tired of zombies, vampires, gangsters, polygamists, and people with 20 friggin children.  I have no interest whatsoever in hearing chipmunks destroy already pathetic pop chartbusters.  And don’t even get me started on how positively uninspiring the music industry has become.

Used to be at any given time, I could fill a hand with the movies I couldn’t wait to see.  Two hands for all the new cds I wanted to purchase.  Now I sit at my computer staring at the upcoming releases, and I feel… nothing.

I’m easily disenchanted, I know.  I get bored so quickly with what’s on the radio, the television, the big screen.  Hell, even the bookstores are starting to lose their gleam.  Not much makes me giddy with girly anticipation.  And that has less to do with my not-so-girly age than with the fact that everything new looks like deja vu to me.

Did we get a defective batch of thinking caps in?  Even the WEB BOT is unimpressed.  If we are in danger of losing anything this year, my friends, it’s our passion.

Wake up and smell the flatulence, because honestly, this STINKS.

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I Hate It When Monkey Articulating Goes Awry… A.K.A. THE Obligatory, and Possibly Final New Year’s Post

Posted in General with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 1, 2012 by jezzywolfe

If monkey articulation is the only thing I remember about tonight, then I guess that’s still not half bad.

When I realized my plans had been changed, I said “Screw it. I’m taking this party on the road.” Then I grabbed the Peachtree and cherry vodka and big ass gallon of Tropicana and headed out just long enough to miss giving all my fuzzbutts a New Years cuddle, Damn. Right now they’re looking at me pretty weirdly but they’ll be good enough sports to tolerate my excessive adoration. Maybe I should wait til they wake up, though. Its important to sleep enough. If I make any reservations at all, it will be to sleep more this year.

No, I won’t waste those proclimations on wait loss. Sure, I want a smaller dairyair, but people don’t really plan on keeping any of those promisse anyway. And hey, what if we die? Seriously. It’s 20friggin12. Aren’t we supposed to be screwed this year? Do YOU want to spend the last new year party making bogus promises about slenderizing when you might not get another chance to gouge yourself on pie and ice cream and cream puffs? Oh crap, I totally have some cream puffs downstairs that I need to eat. They should be ready by now. I hope I’m not sick in the morning though, cause that’s a waist of pastry. A good puff is a terrified thing to waste.

Earlier I had a mini bar set out on the ottoman by my bed. It was convenient, and oh so delicious. And I don’t mean mini as in small boottles, cause those fuckers were huge! I decide tonight that fuzzy navals were better with a splish of cherry vodka in them. I didn’t drink too many, just enough to not drink too many.And then I played card games on television and read subtitles out loud, while replacing all words beginning with ‘f’ with the word ‘ferret’. It actually made sense.

I should have something to say that’s really profound about the coming apocalipst. The kids are rooting for zombie infestation, but I’m pretty sure it is more an invasion of solar flares and Kardashians that will usher in that fateful event. And then those mayans can finally shut their yaps cause I know damn well they don’t mention a word about Kardashians in that colander they keep bugging us about. I wonder how many shows we are gonna be subjected to this year? I think at least five. I hope not though. My dvr is almost full again.

People sound stupid when they initialize their cursing. Come on. Don’t say “Effin cow S.” Say “Effin cow shit.” But make sure you smile, cause people like a smiler. I don’t smile enough. That’s because I look drunk when I do. Or maybe I just smile alot when I drink, so I think I drunk alot even though I probably just had some glasses of mixed frou frou beverages for a while.

Tonight when I was sitting on a couch at someone else’s house, I looked at the floor and realized somehow the little cushiony insert I put in my heels was laying on their carpet. Which was freaky, cause I never took my shoes off. What the hell? I’m so glad it was just a shoe insert, and not something harder to explain. Algebra is my kryptonight. Thank goodness no one wanted to discuss calculust.

Well, I certainly didn’t shed any light tonight. Remind me not to drink when I want to sound articulate. But not monkey skeleton articulate. That shit cost $2800!

Good night, my friends. We have at least 300 days to placate those dead Maypans and steer our future in the non abysmic direction. I think they just needed more fish oil. The kind that doesn’t cause fishy burps. Stinky savages!

Merry New Years and Happy Apocapitalist.