Resolutionary: A Year Without Focus (New Years Post 2013)

Hell yeah, I wanted to party. And why not? For the first time in forever, someone’s guillotine wasn’t crunching on my spinal cord. That’s a much less uncomfortable sensation. So I hit the alphabet store today, and bought bottles of guaranteed brilliance. Now the evening has passed, and I’m kinda sleepy. So here goes…

We need resolutions. Or so I hear. Everyone makes their revolutions. Some peeps even make their anti-revolutions. But not me. I’m serious, mo-fos. It’s time to quit playing games and get for reals. I’ve put a lot of thought into this list. By a lot I mean a couple minutes here or there. That’s a lot, trust me.

So here’s the damn list:


2. Learn to format my blog posts properly. WordPress be tripping.

3. Gauge ears. Not my ears. Someone else’s ears. They will be so happy, they will buy me danishes.

4. Get more danishes.

5. Create 5 more dance moves.

6. Do not let anyone see said 5 dance moves. Ever.

7. Placate, placate, placate.

8. Drink more iced tea with lemon.

9. Scrapbook my collection of deodorant.

10. Memorize pi by heart and then turn it into a catchy, upbeat rap number. Cause we need more fucking positive role models.

Aside form number 10, I feel that list is fairly attaintable. Like by this time next year, I will be sitting pretty, bully full of danishes and iced tea, macking all kinds of smoodgy dance moves that you can’t see. Trust me, they will be great. I’m gonna take the world by indifference.

Reverbations aside, I think I’ve been coasting on autopilot for the past year. The fatalist in me wasn’t quite convinced I could let out my girdle, but now I know I can. We all can. Everyone can band together, to unband their metaphoric mid-sections in a giant breath heave. The earth hasn’t crashed, the solar flares were all like, ‘Psyche!’ We will all wake up in the morning, hangovers on board, and see the world has turned another resolution on its axle. Except for those of us who don’t. That shit sucks. Sorry. Hug me.

Meanwhile, I will rest, belly full of Midair Sours, Buttery Nipples and Fuzzy Navels, and other alcoholic body parts. I might be dreaming already. Somewhere west, it’s just striking midnight, and peeps are salivating on each others faces and blowing those annoying little rooter horns. Good for them, I say.

By the time they wake up and face their hangovers, mine will be pretty much history. Dog hair bites. Isn’t that how you cure inebriation? Lucky for me, I have TWO dogs. So I’m golden.



2 Responses to “Resolutionary: A Year Without Focus (New Years Post 2013)”

  1. Roflmao! Love it!

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