Archive for January, 2014

Go Home Bing, You’re Drunk!

Posted in Uncategorized on January 29, 2014 by jezzywolfe

Sometimes I like to use other languages when I write.  It’s a way to feel better about my uncooperative linguistic skills.  But since I can’t actually speak any foreign languages – aside from my impeccable Pig Latin – I must rely on online translators and generators to form my dialogue.

That would be great.  IF online generators actually translated anything correctly.  That includes the translations they give me.  For instance, if I said ‘Screw in that light bulb with your hamstrings!’ in Spanish, Bing would then translate it to ‘Cambiar la bombilla con su corva!’  But if you run THAT back through Bing, you actually get ‘Replace the bulb with your hamstring!’

Sure, that’s close, but it’s not the same, now is it?

Sometimes the difference is less than subtle.  Sometimes, Bing gets all cray cray, and comes up with some nearly unintelligible malarky that no one in their right mind would write.

Earlier today, I was browsing through Facebook posts, and I found one I couldn’t understand.  It had the ‘See Translation’ link underneath, so I clicked on that.

Bing gave me this:

Bitches!. My compi not be k walks with a toaster k has skipped all the lights and with the nonsense deleted me all media work later pk this menda was not keeping the report on your computer.  K I caught me a kit kat and I’m not saying anything but I shit in to in to and more.  And not kiero a warm snack sandwich!. Orgins.  I just take it and the fly passes me.

Okay… what?!  Best I can guess, her computer erased some files.  After that she caught a candy bar and raced a fly unsuccessfully.  Somewhere in the midst of that, she had to take a secretive dump, but it was not a warm sandwich.  To which I say, well, it wasn’t a sandwich, but I’m sure it was warm!

Thank you, Bing.  You do stupid so I don’t have to!




Beating Dead Horses: A Ballet of Bummers

Posted in Uncategorized on January 23, 2014 by jezzywolfe

How did we get here?

I spent so much of my life doing the same thing, in a fragile occupational bubble that I didn’t realize was on the verge of a pin prick. And that’s all it took.  Just one drop of the ball, one person deciding it wasn’t the end of the world… but yes.  It was.  It is.  I am currently turning over every rock I can find, but all I get is more bullshit.  I find myself outrageously bitter and resentful, even though I try to pep talk myself out of it pretty much every day.  Doesn’t work.  I get angrier as each day passes, with more of the same bullshit heaped on me.

If I am in a tunnel, I am still miles away from any point that can spot a distant light.

I’ve taken others’ tactics and applied them… be optimistic, look for the positives, keep that chin up.  I see it working for them.  So who is the fucking joker that keeps knocking me on my ass?

Bottom line: I need HELP.  I am in over my head.  This ship sinks, and soon, if someone doesn’t wake up and listen to me.

Glub fucking glub.



No Country for Old Phlegm

Posted in Uncategorized on January 12, 2014 by jezzywolfe

I really need to write.  Something.  Anything.  Well, anything besides this blog post.  Although, this post IS comprised of words and punctuation.  Most of it even correct.  So this might just count, after all.

Or maybe not.

I do not want to put into words what many others are already figuring out.  This year has not started on a good foot.  Maybe for a few it has, and to those I say, “Well, good for you!”  There is no sarcasm in that.  I swear.  Nothing but the best possible sincerity.  Plus a little…

Fine.  I’m being sarcastic.  I probably am really happy for those that have welcomed a better year so far.  I just have to get past my own hardships, and then I can be truly sincere in my lack of sarcasm.  I am really tired of all this tongue in cheekiness.  I want to be able to say congratulations without that bitter aftertaste with which I’ve become well acquainted.  But no luck so far.  I will let you know when that changes.  Or you might be able to tell for yourself.  In which case, you can tell me when it changes.

Financially, life is kicking my ass.  I’m trying to buckle down and not get sidetracked by doubts and fears.  It’s about as easy as ignoring a screaming goat, but without that funny.  I never expected to rake in big bucks with the writing, so that’s not an issue.  But stressing over how to pay the bills is interfering with my creativity.  As much as I want to write, the words aren’t coming. 

So I turned to crafting.  But I’m outta practice there, too.  At Christmas, I made stockings.  They all sold, but the time I spent making them was far greater than the asking price.  I’ve come up with a few other ideas, but nothing is really clicking.  So now I’ve decided to go with what I ‘know’ I’m good at.  No matter how insecure I can be about my writing and crafting skills, the one thing I am not insecure about is my skills in custom picture framing.  We’ll see where this gets me. 

I don’t have to get rich.  I’m not that greedy.  I just want to pay my bills, and take care of my family.  I have ferrets in need of vet care that I can’t afford now, thanks to last year’s misfortunes.  But I’m not looking for handouts.  I am perfectly willing to work for it.  I just need to figure out what it is that I can offer, that people will really want. 

There’s hope on the job front, as well.  More hours, and the potential to earn commissions.  That could help, IF I can get some new clients through the doors.  I’ve seen the glimmer of a possible future there, and for a while I was worried that wouldn’t be the case. 

This year has not started off well, but I’m not throwing in the towel just yet. 


This Is Where The Title Goes (New Years Post 2014)

Posted in Uncategorized on January 1, 2014 by jezzywolfe

So when I shouted, “Happy seven!”  My family was confused.  They were like, “What?  What do you mean?”  But I knew… I knew.

It’s pretty damn incredible.  And when Bishop said, “Did you mean 7 cause 2 divided by 14 equals 7?”  And that’s when I knew my genius superceded normal geniousity.

Get it?  No matter how you look at it, this year is 7.  The year of the lucky number.  Yeah, I know, numberology, blah blah blah.  I don’t care.  I know I’m onto something here.  Cause 2 plus 1 plus 4 is 7, and 14 divided by 2 is ALSO 7!  How about that shit?!  My family still says ‘No’… but it’s math.  You can’t fight it.  It’s, like, a fact or something.  Boobyah!

Last year was 6.  No duh.  I don’t know if that had anything to do with the suck level of 2013, but it was bad.  So this year, I came up with a brand new tradition.  It’s a really good one.

I showered.

Think about it.  I was showering with water, but it was also a symbolic showering.  Washing away that stank that was 2013, so I could start the year off fresh and squeaky clean.  Sure, my hair looked like a gnarled fricasee cause I forgot to blow it, but it was a clean gnarly fricasee.  Is that how you spell fricasee?  Frickasea?  Frickassy?  Okay.  That last one looks wrong.  I think there’s a silent letter in there somewhere.  Like a ‘P’.   Phrickassy.

I don’t like Counting Cars.  Dang it.  Put Adult Swim back on.  Josh 2.0 is okay.

So I started the year freshly bathed, and downing tasty tasty cips of orange juice, Peachtree, peach vodka, and a splat of Seaera Mist.  It makes it fizzy.  But I was totally trippin’, cause that peach vodka was fizzy too!  I shit you not!!!  I was like, “No way!!!”  Tasted good.  I had, like, 4 of them?  I was shooting for 7, cause more symbolisnm, but then I remembered I hate hanovers.  The thing, not the movies.  I love those movies.  I didn’t like the third one, where Zack bought that cute giraffe and then accidentally decapitated it on the freeway.  Oops.  Spoiler.  Don’t read that last part.

I should probably make some of those promises.  But a bad year hasn’t changed my position on them.  No point.  If you wanna change yourself, just do it.  Don’t set your self up for that disapointment in 3 weeks.  Don’t even tell me what it is you’re promising to do, cause jinx!  And then you will feel bad for fucking that up, and I will feel bad cause I witnessed you fucking it up.  That just sucks.

But I will make a change in myself this year.  I am gonna be nicer.  You might think I’m kinda nice, or too nice.  Sometimes, yes.  I am extremely pleasant.  I worked hard on that.  So now I’m gonna be even nicer.  Maybe by nicer I mean un-rude.  Like, I’m gonna stop cussing so much and shit.  So people will be less offended by my dialog.  I got this bitch.

But hey, check it.  I’m gonna be the next Mother Goose.  Look:

The family dog was taken down,
To buy a wig for a show clown,
But in the morning he was found,
Cause he snuck out of the house and was two blocks away with a poodle.

That’s not a resolution, for yo info.  I think that’s a limerick.  Copyright!  Just in case someone tries to get sneakly and steal it.  It’s part of a trilogy, so stay tuned for the second saga.  It gets good.

I gotta admit, I’m kinda tired.  I don’t think I drunk so much that I will get sick, but I really hope I don’t wake up with a bad head.  My hair looks better now, cause I fixed it.

So 2012 was not the end.  Ironically, 2013 left some of us kinda wishing it had been, though.  Those snarky Mayans.  They’re probably laughing at us now, saying we are idiots, cause we were so happy the world didn’t go boom, that we didn’t see that the world was about to go boom.  Really, what the hell was up with that?  I could not even sell plasma, it was that bad!

Well, screw you, 2013.  I didn’t want you to have my plasma anyway.  This year is 7, my friends.


Blowing my mind.