Archive for March, 2014

Totally Retro. Totally.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 31, 2014 by jezzywolfe

Way back in the day (by way back I mean less than a decade, so don’t start thinking about dinosaurs here, or WWI) I used to write for FUN.  No intentions of being published, no aspirations of grandiose or acclaim.  The point was simply to make my readers smile.  I was a blogging addict… much in the way I fail to be these days.

Sure, my ellipses never seemed to end, and boy, could I twist a pretty adverb or five!  But it was about the ‘feel’ back then.  I paid no heed to rules or constraints.  I scoffed at tenses and continuity.  I wouldn’t say I was a bad writer, rather, a carefree wordsmithy.

Yeah.  That’s what I was.

I will give you a peek at something I wrote many many moons ago.  How many moons between now and 2005?  Cause that’s how many moons old this is.  Back when writing was a game to me, and interplanetary freedom fighters were saving us all from Germite Amoebas.  And also on medication.

 

An Intellectually Analytical Introspective Study of the Socio-Economical Impact of the Superstore Chain

Don’t be fooled, my friends.

The automated doors may swing open to welcome you like royalty with a burst of ever-cold air conditioning and someone willing to bowl you over with a rickety shopping cart, but underneath the we-are-so-happy-you-are-patronizing-us-with-frugal-budget-
busting, there lies the evil of a bargain buying bully. Taking hearty bites into the livelihood of every small mom and pop dollar general store, the superstore marches through cities and towns alike with balls much too big to battle. We are all screwed.

Pay attention next time you step through those gateways to hell. You will find yourself immediately pulled like mindless lemmings to the bargain DVD bin, awed by pathetically cheap copies of classic movies such as Short Circuit and Air Bud. The irresistible lure of boxes of cheese crackers stacked on top of lime colored laundry baskets (all marked 2 for a dollar) will brainwash you into desperate awareness. You actually do need 6 boxes of cheese crackers and 10 green laundry baskets, have for the longest time. Is it good fortune? Karmatic reward?

Hell no!

The florescent lighting belies the true power of such establishments, which is not bulk buying power nor stellar customer appreciation. It is, in fact brace yourselves magic. No shit. An undercurrent of magical mythic mysticism flows beneath every paved pathway of these seemingly gentle giants. Grabbing you as soon as you pass through the portals and holding you in its unbreakable thrall as you man your cart mindlessly through endless rows of low quality crap. The means of mind-control seem harmless, but even I, in my most infinite paranoia, err…power, have fallen prey to its possession.

I can vividly remember a moment of confusion that befuddled me into desperation. Where the hell did they keep the condiments?! I needed some honey mustard… STAT! So I stumbled to the oracle, labeled authoritatively with a simple sign that read Ask for Assistance. I stared longingly into the eyes of wisdom, and whispered pathetically, “Please help me?”

But the tank of lobsters did not reply.

A possibly concerned seafood counter boy called, “Excuse me, miss. Do you need help?”

No, not from you, mere minion! I need the true guidance of omniscient condescension! Eventually, I fumbled my way through bread and frozen foods to finally uncover my destination, but my chance to converse one on one with divinity had been demolished by a mortal meat bag. I left with a feeling of emptiness. (In retrospect, it was most likely the after effects of a newly emptied wallet.)

I urge you all, my friends, to be very very careful. If you must traverse into the realms of savings, keep your guards up and your wits about you. Do not be lured in by off brand bubble baths or tainted jars of peanut butter. Run most quickly to that which you seek and then catapult to the nearest register, and DO NOT LOOK BACK! Your very soul balances on the precipice of eternal damnation.

Don’t become another sacrifice to the discount deity. After all, you get what you pay for.

~ J. Wolfe, 2005

 

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