Archive for July, 2014

I Hate It When Monkey Articulating Goes Awry… A.K.A. THE Obligatory, and Possibly Final New Year’s Post (New Years Post 2012)

Posted in Uncategorized on July 31, 2014 by jezzywolfe

If monkey articulation is the only thing I remember about tonight, then I guess that’s still not half bad.

When I realized my plans had been changed, I said “Screw it. I’m taking this party on the road.” Then I grabbed the Peachtree and cherry vodka and big ass gallon of Tropicana and headed out just long enough to miss giving all my fuzzbutts a New Years cuddle, Damn. Right now they’re looking at me pretty weirdly but they’ll be good enough sports to tolerate my excessive adoration. Maybe I should wait til they wake up, though. Its important to sleep enough. If I make any reservations at all, it will be to sleep more this year.

No, I won’t waste those proclimations on wait loss. Sure, I want a smaller dairyair, but people don’t really plan on keeping any of those promisse anyway. And hey, what if we die? Seriously. It’s 20friggin12. Aren’t we supposed to be screwed this year? Do YOU want to spend the last new year party making bogus promises about slenderizing when you might not get another chance to gouge yourself on pie and ice cream and cream puffs? Oh crap, I totally have some cream puffs downstairs that I need to eat. They should be ready by now. I hope I’m not sick in the morning though, cause that’s a waist of pastry. A good puff is a terrified thing to waste.

Earlier I had a mini bar set out on the ottoman by my bed. It was convenient, and oh so delicious. And I don’t mean mini as in small boottles, cause those fuckers were huge! I decide tonight that fuzzy navals were better with a splish of cherry vodka in them. I didn’t drink too many, just enough to not drink too many.And then I played card games on television and read subtitles out loud, while replacing all words beginning with ‘f’ with the word ‘ferret’. It actually made sense.

I should have something to say that’s really profound about the coming apocalipst. The kids are rooting for zombie infestation, but I’m pretty sure it is more an invasion of solar flares and Kardashians that will usher in that fateful event. And then those mayans can finally shut their yaps cause I know damn well they don’t mention a word about Kardashians in that colander they keep bugging us about. I wonder how many shows we are gonna be subjected to this year? I think at least five. I hope not though. My dvr is almost full again.

People sound stupid when they initialize their cursing. Come on. Don’t say “Effin cow S.” Say “Effin cow shit.” But make sure you smile, cause people like a smiler. I don’t smile enough. That’s because I look drunk when I do. Or maybe I just smile alot when I drink, so I think I drunk alot even though I probably just had some glasses of mixed frou frou beverages for a while.

Tonight when I was sitting on a couch at someone else’s house, I looked at the floor and realized somehow the little cushiony insert I put in my heels was laying on their carpet. Which was freaky, cause I never took my shoes off. What the hell? I’m so glad it was just a shoe insert, and not something harder to explain. Algebra is my kryptonight. Thank goodness no one wanted to discuss calculust.

Well, I certainly didn’t shed any light tonight. Remind me not to drink when I want to sound articulate. But not monkey skeleton articulate. That shit cost $2800!

Good night, my friends. We have at least 300 days to placate those dead Maypans and steer our future in the non abysmic direction. I think they just needed more fish oil. The kind that doesn’t cause fishy burps. Stinky savages!

Merry New Years and Happy Apocapitalist.