L’absence rend le coeur plus affectueux. Mais il vaut mieux pour faire oublier le cœur .

And so it goes. 

When habits become destructive, and distractions become painful, sometimes it’s best to know when to walk away. That’s a hard thing to do, especially for me.

I’m a stubborn cuss. I don’t like giving up, not when I know what I’ve invested into a situation. But sometimes, every hoop I set on fire and cartwheel through will still not be enough to garner the rewards I seek. And as desperately as I’d like that not to be the case, it is out of my hands.

If my best isn’t good enough, does that mean I’m not good enough? Am I really subpar to everyone else? I spend a lot of time convincing myself that I have a right to feel equal. That my intellect and emotions are not annoying drivel to be ignored. I’m not stupid, you know. My jokes are not coincidental… if I’m playing the butt of your jokes, you can damn well believe I was aware of that going in. I’m not afraid of your laughter. I’m not so uptight that I don’t know how to let go. I am THE QUEEN of letting go, in fact. 

The problem arises when I realize I’m the only one laughing. It’s not because I’m ill-mannered or uncouth. I’m not a degenerate. This is just how I cope. I look for humor. I seek laughter with the edges of a panic attack creeping in. I seek the comfort of a soft voice and memorable laugh. And when I find them, I commit them to memory and hold onto that like a plastic glow stick. Eventually, it fades. But while it glows bright, it is magical. I hold on to the useless glow stick long after its expiration, hoping that some chance fate will revive its glow. In that way, I am always the optimist.

But the glow sticks I’ve been clinging to are a dull haze. There’s no light to be found there. I can either seek new glow sticks, or just adjust my eyes to the dim and move on without them. What is life without that glow? Where is the warmth I need to fuel the optimism I survive by? 

So there it is. I carry these plastic tubes. They used to light my way. I loved these glow sticks. They were magical to me. They were my breath, my life, my laughter. But they don’t glow any longer.

It’s time to let them go. 

I just hope I can forget how much they meant to me.

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