Archive for January, 2018

The Tragedy of Counting Stars

Posted in General, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 25, 2018 by jezzywolfe

Road into the rift

 
It should never be this hard.

To need such great tools for seeing stars
Ephemeral polka dots across the canvas
Always hovering there when you need it
The faintest glimmer of transcendent fire
Ready to be scattered by a finger’s brush.

Like I could harness a few and ride them
Across the black in a chariot of diamonds
And every question burning me would go
Spastic and special and suddenly solvent
Leaving me at peace with all the answers.

Every star meets that impasse, eventually
They say their farewells in a brief glimpse
A slight, imperceptible, shimmering dance
The faintest streak of magic and electricity
That promises forever before it disappears.

I’m on a cobalt highway, eyes on the skies
It should never be this hard to say goodbye
To stars, or to dreams, or to once-upon-a-time.
Into a starless night I follow the road to Dallas
And I hope all those wishes were worth it.

JW ©2018

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I Forgot This

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on January 16, 2018 by jezzywolfe

 

On the crest of the hill

I planted myself upright and reached the sky

Summoning my inner poplar

My stalwart backbone of fiber and ring

My bastard bastion of resilience.

 

And each revolution took me farther

Each evolution stole me higher

Until I was so far from you

That the stars loomed closer by

Than the tips of my fingers.

 

We could excuse these spansions

As a byproduct of our distinction

That inevitable growth spurt

Hurdling us into welcomed orbit

Around our own personalized dwarfs.

 

Grifting through the nexus of new nebulae

I discovered the dust of your satellite

Light years gone past before

The debris left behind

Only vaguely reminiscent of a star I recalled.

 

unnamed

 

I thought I was the stardust ejected into space

‘Till I looked down at my feet

Still firmly planted in the hillside

A poplar bent over from root rot …

The consequence of forgetting to fly.

 

JW ©2018

 

 

Where What Never Was

Posted in General, Uncategorized with tags , , on January 8, 2018 by jezzywolfe

image

 

For all the lavish indulgence,

The emptied places where the air was scored by laughter,

Silence extinguishing the flames that shivered beautiful reflections across bare walls,

Everything behind in a shroud of gray.

I wish I thought to record it all,

The smiles loud enough to be heard in the dark,

Before the temperatures dropped and the ice fell,

Before they all took their coats, and their leave.

I’ve packed it away now, wrapped in gentle cocoons,

Every ear marked note and scrambled reminder of how alive living can be

Of how we all fill each space with our own unique precision

And leave rents in the tapestry as our mementos, not repairable.

…Never replaceable.

This glorious mourning, the cold baptism after the fire,

Erases every trace of gold that was left behind,

And slows the blood when we stop to remember,

How beautiful it once was.

 

JW ©2018

 

Facing the Long, Dark Ahead

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on January 2, 2018 by jezzywolfe

“First we forgot where we planted those bulbs last year,
Then we forgot that we’d planted at all,
Then we forgot what plants are altogether,
And I blamed you for my freezing and forgetting and
The nights were long and cold and scary,
Can we live through February?”

– Dar Williams, February

image

On the first day of the new year, I stood in the living room of my empty house, unsure of what to do. So, I just stood.

The downstairs of my home is almost impossible to heat in the winter, and with the below freezing temperatures outside, I felt no warmer than if I stood in a walk-in. Even in my heavy robe, I was chilled completely through. My eyes, which sprang a serious leak a few hours earlier, still managed to sting. I thought about turning on lights. On plugging in the holiday decorations I’ve been reluctant to pack away. I considered filling the empty with sweet music from my turntable.

But I stood in the growing dark, in the chilled dusk. I suffocated in quiet.

We tend to embark on January 1st like we’ve stepped foot of foreign shores. But nothing has changed. That crashing reality catches up to some sooner than others. For myself, the eternal fatalist, I see no reason to feel differently today. The nightmares of 2017 are still with us. The dulcet lure of the holiday season is done, and tomorrow, everyone will proceed to their lives exactly as before.

For me, my lack of life will sit on my chest and remind me that I’m still the sinking ship. I’ve spent months trying to figure out where I need to focus my direction, but I floundered in the same place.

It’s my own fault.

I need too much. The reassurance of worth. The dependability of safety nets. Encouragement, compassion, comraderie, companionship… basically, I don’t want to feel alone. I don’t want to be invisible. It has been an unbearable smother.

The weather is so cold already, but the real stretch of winter is still ahead of me. January and February are brutal, and usually a struggle to endure. The cold isn’t just outside. I know how I would usually tackle the days ahead. But each year has proven to be a terminal disappointment. The highs are fewer, and farther between. The lows are so constant, they’ve become level ground.

I don’t know what this means for the year ahead. I sincerely want …more. I don’t want to be this cold, so often. I don’t want to need anything, from anyone. Because ultimately, even the best intentioned will drop you, sooner or later. People let you down. They let you go. The friends you have might only be the residue of moments you didn’t realize already ended.

And when you realize you’re really alone, you’ll find yourself facing February.

I hope I can find green beneath this gray…

I hope this spring finds you all brighter, and ready to grow. I hope you find everything it is you are looking for. You have my blessing. You have my love.

Go on.