My Management

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 7, 2015 by jezzywolfe

Sometimes, things we do by chance are not just a coincidence. We don’t know it going in, but at some point, that revelation is made. 

Never fails to shake me, it does.

I’d had a long day. Not a bad one. But I needed to relax for a bit. So I cued up Netflix. I tend to watch a lot of comedies, but tonight I decided to pick something random and give it a shot. 

I picked Management.

Management stars Jennifer Anniston and Steve Zahn. I hadn’t heard of it before. Now that I’ve watched it, I’m sure it will air repeatedly on cable, cause that’s the way it works for me. I was antsy going in, and about ready to lose patience and turn it off. I’m glad I didn’t.

It’s a sweet romantic indie film, has that ‘I might air in an art house theater but never on the big screen’ appeal. The soundtrack was equally as quirky. It worked with Zahn’s character, who has grown restless working at his parents’ motel, so he follows Anniston back and forth across the country, trying to win her over. They are leagues apart. Doesn’t seem like the story would have a good ending.

His mom dies. She marries her ex. The whole story feels like a handful of people sharing the same life from different cubicles. It’s all very… lonely. 

But Zahn makes a true friend. And through that friend, joins a Buddhist monestary to find what’s missing in his life. He stays for months. He heals. 

Maybe…

He’s having a talk with his elder, who praises his progress, but then tells him that he still dwells. He hasn’t let go. He is ‘stuck’. His elder says, 

“Let go. Move on.”

I think I lost it, then. 

Not for Zahn’s character. He’s obviously going to be okay. I wouldn’t have loved the movie so much if it had a sad ending. I’m a sentimental fool.

But at that moment, I heard that for myself. And broke down.

Everyone bears their crosses. We all carry them differently. I let mine weigh me down so much I can’t see the horizon any longer. I fight for things I cannot grasp, and never will, as much as I hate admitting it. I can try to fit those molds, and do a damn good job, but in the end, I’m left holding heavy bags filled with burdens I don’t need. Insecurities I could do without. I feel like I’m not good enough. Insecurities about my appearance, my virtues, my value, my feelings…

Fuck it. I’m done.

If I can’t be good enough for them, then maybe my mission is maligned. Maybe that’s their flaw, not mine, if they can’t see who I am. I take their rejections as a personal character assessment, rather just their biased opinions. 

Because I haven’t taken the time to figure out who I’ve become. I’m not the girl who graduated high school with the romantic notion of being a starving artist. I’m not the clerical business suit looking to divide and conquer. I might still be a singer, if I could get past the fears, but that’s tied down by that rejection I still haven’t learned to ignore.

I could pour all this into a tragic heroine and write some epic Harlequin saga. But pouring myself into a story doesn’t alleviate my demons. It won’t numb the pain. It only memorializes it.

I need to be my own friend first. I need to light this match.

Let go. Move on.

It’s time.

L’absence rend le coeur plus affectueux. Mais il vaut mieux pour faire oublier le cœur .

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 30, 2015 by jezzywolfe

And so it goes. 

When habits become destructive, and distractions become painful, sometimes it’s best to know when to walk away. That’s a hard thing to do, especially for me.

I’m a stubborn cuss. I don’t like giving up, not when I know what I’ve invested into a situation. But sometimes, every hoop I set on fire and cartwheel through will still not be enough to garner the rewards I seek. And as desperately as I’d like that not to be the case, it is out of my hands.

If my best isn’t good enough, does that mean I’m not good enough? Am I really subpar to everyone else? I spend a lot of time convincing myself that I have a right to feel equal. That my intellect and emotions are not annoying drivel to be ignored. I’m not stupid, you know. My jokes are not coincidental… if I’m playing the butt of your jokes, you can damn well believe I was aware of that going in. I’m not afraid of your laughter. I’m not so uptight that I don’t know how to let go. I am THE QUEEN of letting go, in fact. 

The problem arises when I realize I’m the only one laughing. It’s not because I’m ill-mannered or uncouth. I’m not a degenerate. This is just how I cope. I look for humor. I seek laughter with the edges of a panic attack creeping in. I seek the comfort of a soft voice and memorable laugh. And when I find them, I commit them to memory and hold onto that like a plastic glow stick. Eventually, it fades. But while it glows bright, it is magical. I hold on to the useless glow stick long after its expiration, hoping that some chance fate will revive its glow. In that way, I am always the optimist.

But the glow sticks I’ve been clinging to are a dull haze. There’s no light to be found there. I can either seek new glow sticks, or just adjust my eyes to the dim and move on without them. What is life without that glow? Where is the warmth I need to fuel the optimism I survive by? 

So there it is. I carry these plastic tubes. They used to light my way. I loved these glow sticks. They were magical to me. They were my breath, my life, my laughter. But they don’t glow any longer.

It’s time to let them go. 

I just hope I can forget how much they meant to me.

Why I Can Write You Off

Posted in Uncategorized on May 25, 2015 by jezzywolfe

They warn you not to piss off authors. They say you’ll end up the hapless victim in their next bestseller. Maybe. But are you really that scared of being a faceless fictitious slaughter? Doesn’t seem like such a threat, does it? Be a little more concerned when that pissed author decides to offer you a haircut with a scythe. THAT might be a bit unsettling. Particularly if they start by saying, “I’m years overdue for an eye exam…”

But no such thing happens if I get pissed off. I won’t drain your last bloody ounce by vampire leeching. I won’t decapitate you with a flying tacking iron. I won’t get you drunk and push your VW off a cliff. 

Not in fiction, any way.

Piss me off, and you’ll know soon enough. Hurt my feelings, and the repercussions won’t be a mystery. It won’t take six months to a year for the book to hit the stands before you know what’s what.

I don’t seek vengeance. Not through stories, not in poems. 

When I’m hurt, I simply go away.

See? Not so scary. 

Somewhere in Between

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 11, 2015 by jezzywolfe

“The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.” – Buffy Summers

I’ve spent a lifetime jumping through hoops. 

As a child, with my honor roll report cards, careful etiquette, and seclusion. 

As a teenager, with my high morals, my Christian band, my self-censorship. 

And as an adult, still playing the dutiful child, responsible mother, reliable worker.

I’m exhausted.

They say there are rewards for being compassionate and generous. I don’t know from that. Maybe it’s wrong to expect justification or appreciation. After all these years, expecting anything at all seems a bit fruitless. But I still hope. NOT for praise. I just want to be respected. I want to be understood.

Today, I went to visit my mom for Mother’s Day. I went with gifts, prepared to bust her out of the joint for the evening. But not long after I got there, I realized she was in no condition to go anywhere. So I offered to find a restaurant and buy us dinner, and then watch movies with her in her room while we ate. It was all I could really do. She’d almost fallen and I could barely keep her from hitting the floor… I couldn’t lift her up if she fell in a restaurant or movie theater. Still, she was irritated with me for not doing a better job at keeping her upright.

I’m assuming some recent changes to her medications are proving problematic. The ‘tremors’ as she refers to them, are really more like earthquakes. She dropped her food, knocked a cup of tea off her tray, in addition to other sudden spasms. And each time, my response wasn’t quick enough. Finally, I went for her nurse, to get some assistance for her. To that, she just snapped that I could at least stop to ‘help my own mother.’ I never did finish my dinner. Lost my appetite anyway.

The highlight was the end of the evening, as I told her I loved her, and her response was a very unenthusiastic, “I love you too, I guess.” In front of her nurse. Stellar.

Not the first time I was reminded in my adult life that I don’t measure up. She used to throw that at me, that this friend or that friend told her I was a bad daughter. Or when church folks would imply that my moms difficulties were Gods retribution against me for being such a sinner. She brags all the time about my brother, but he’s not the one doing her laundry, her grocery shopping, or taking her places. He didn’t let her live with him for 20 years so she wouldn’t be without a good home. He’s made of gold, though. For all the times I sat in the ER cause her blood sugar was through the roof, all the times I actually participated in her therapy sessions, he was never a part of any of that. Even as a child, when I would go with my dad to visit her in the penitentiary. Without my brother, because he refused to go. 

I love him, I do. But where was he today? Not helping her off the floor. Nope. That was all me.

I step back after this, and I look at where it’s all headed. I look at where it came from. And I’m an infinitesimal speck in all this. The difference I make is negligable. Not for lack of trying. I cannot keep going this way.

Not everyone is made for greatness. And if everyone was, then no one would ever truly be great. I am sub par, so others can shine. 

This is not to say I’m giving up. I don’t throw in towels. Fuck you if you think I’m easily broken. I’ve been through a lot of stuff that most will never be able to stand through, and I’m still here. And maybe, in that way, I am great. 

Maybe this is the cocoon. Maybe this will be transformative. 

Maybe this is where I cease to be, and she takes over.

God help you all. 

Not A Mused

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 6, 2015 by jezzywolfe

Not all emotions are inspiring. 

That’s said with a certain amount of subjectivity. For many, they coast through a plot riding whatever wave of feeling they are experiencing. They season their stews with all the feels. Good for them, I say… and make a mental note not to partake of some of their stews. I’m on a diet.

But I can’t do that… utilizing every experience to craft another twist. For me, it’s too personal to be applied to some random piece of fictitious flesh. The shit I put up with from day to day, the stress, the obligations, heaped on top of emotional disappointments and heartaches… hell, I don’t write tragedies. Is there even still a market for hopeless melancholy in a Prozac-and-Botoxed-Smiles world? It’s not about getting paid at this point. 

It’s about being heard. 

Besides, is that what I want you to hear? A metaphor about the debaucle that is my life? A bad joke with a dead-pan punchline? Too many tears in not enough beer? Why the fuck am I asking you? 

I don’t want pity. I don’t want any trite sorries or consolations. Life is a shitbag wearing a three piece Armani suit. And I’m not assuming it’s any worse for me than it is for anyone else. So why dress my stories with the bad seasonings of my day to day?

Which means, when things go bad, I shut up shop. 

It’s a self preservation mechanism. It’s all I can do to function mechanically, sometimes. Don’t expect creativity on top of that. I cannot cope with my stresses that way. I don’t take pills, I don’t see a therapist. I keep my inner postal at bay by closing in. I applaud writers that can funnel and channel and kumbayah their setbacks into some stellar gem of literature. I wish I could do the same.

I need to be writing. I need to push it all out of my head, duck down, and get it done. I need to remind myself that every setback is merely another slight hill that I will climb. Pretty soon, I won’t even feel winded. I’ll barely notice the inclines. I’ll barely notice anything at all. Pretty soon, yes.

But damn, how I wish I was already there.

Slip of the Tongue

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on April 23, 2015 by jezzywolfe

I never considered myself an introvert.

Seems like that’s the prerequisite for a writer, though. Right? Brooding, sitting alone in corners, surrounded by cumulus swirls of cigarette smoke and an obligatory Stein of coffee attached to one hand. A perpetual scowl heaped on top of a black turtleneck. Every sentence mired in the greater meaning of life and the conspiracies of love, politics, and the institution.

Fuck that shit.

I don’t like sitting alone in corners. I love my coffee, true. Replace the cigarettes with incense, replace the conversations with candor and humor. That’s where I sit. Not alone. Maybe with one or two others.

And I can’t tell if that’s introverted. What if it’s just being selective? Really, I often feel fairly empty and alone. Many times, even when I’m physically not. I don’t have answers for that. I don’t have medication. I just have coping mechanisms. And they don’t always work.

So many of us are closed off. Stoic vehicles maneuvering between the circles of our friends. We don’t feel connected to them, even when they’ve known us forever. We smile, play polite games, function rationally. But the mind goes elsewhere and hides. The smiles are thousands of miles away. Or hundreds.

But never here.

There are so many of us.

 

 

“Slip of the Tongue”

I have an auditory addiction.

Chemical synthesis stimulated by whispers and sighs,
A need to be injected through membranes and synapses.
I hold staggered breaths in wait for the next hushed syllables,
Leaking elixir from a drawled ‘lapsus linguae’.

Invading my moonlit bordello.

Syntaxed visions of steeled satin caresses,
I succumb nightly to the tempestuous invocations,
Riding a rush of debauchery defined by punctuated palpitations,
And an appreciation for the spoken art of gratification.

©2005 J.W.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is that tree I see? Oh, nevermind, it’s only a toothbrush.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on March 19, 2015 by jezzywolfe

If I chose to compile my poetry into a book, I’m not sure how to polish it. How does anyone edit poetry? Really? I mean…to me, anyway…poems are not unlike paintings. Their medium is their words, the composition. So how do you edit that? Would you edit a DaVinci? Would you dare approach Monet and tell him his brush count was too high? Would you send a curt critical rejection of Starry Night to Van Gogh, and suggest serious revisioning?

So my question is, how exactly do I take these poems and revisit them productively? How should I rewrite lines that clearly define their place in my lifeline? Are they simply too personal to put into print?

Did anyone tell Cummings to stick to plumbing?

Here’s another older piece, just for the hell of it…

Constraint vs. Consequence

I am the silent vigilant,
Passing by placid street signs and stoplights,
Spying fire red trees so bright they illuminate the dark.
There is beauty and life pulsing from every edifice that graces my vision.

And I’m catching my breath before it flies out the window.

This is my home.
This is my city.
This is my… prison.

I am the passive cataclysm,
Observing my life from an outsider’s perspective,
Cutting myself from ties that bind with a dull dual-edged deception.
Treacherous infidelity painted across the flesh canvas of a hell-bound prodigal.

And I’m catching my death even as I fly out the window.

It was my home.
It was my city.
It remains my… prison.

©2005 J.W.